Depression: The belly of the fish
Jonah heard God’s instructions but blatantly disobeyed. Boom! Three days in a fish’s gut!
Moses noticed the burning bush (that’s weird), stopped to investigate, and heard and followed God’s guidance.
The Israelites heard God’s instructions, investigated the possibility of following them, and then decided against it. They got 40 years of wandering in the desert.
God leads us. He is always leading us. But are we even listening? Are we paying enough attention to see or hear and respond appropriately? I mean, if it were as obvious as a burning bush, a persistent cloud, or a pillar of fire, I don’t think we’d miss it. But if God is whispering in our ear, most days, we probably aren’t going to hear it. And, while I doubt that not hearing His guidance will land any of us in the belly of a fish, it’s still probably not going to have the best outcome. My personal experiences of living outside of God’s will for my life have resulted, most recently, in depression and anxiety. So, when I hear “three days in the belly of a big fish” or “forty years wandering in the desert” I think of depression. That place that feels as if there’s no end in sight and every single day is the same struggle to pass the time until the next gray day arrives. Purposeless… what (of significance) can I do in the belly of fish?!? What (of significance) can I do wandering in the desert?!?
I’ve found myself in this place of purposeless wandering more than once. I remember, in the early days of the pandemic lockdowns, walking around in the house with literally nothing to do. No work, no classes to teach, just trying to hold it together to help the kids through their small amount of schoolwork so I could survive until tomorrow to do it again. I found myself in a similar place last winter. Drifting from one room to another, feeling listless and useless. What am I doing? What am I supposed to be doing? Both instances felt like staring into the abyss of a fish’s digestive tract or, perhaps, looking at the never-ending, never-changing horizon of a desert. Why did I feel this way? Was it because I was living out of alignment with God’s purpose? I think it was definitely a contributing factor.
I’m grateful for God’s grace and mercy and for His ability to communicate in a voice above a whisper. I continue to benefit from all of these. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be tuned in enough to hear those quiet instructions that are meant just for me. I’m happy to receive inspired words of guidance from wise friends, family, and clients—these are wonderful nudges and insights. But it’s so important for me to practice being quiet and opening my mind and heart to receive God’s instructions. Practicing yoga, running, gardening, or just being outside and admiring nature are my go-to practices. Channeling Reiki has also been a way for me to access a deep knowing about my path—it has been instrumental in discerning God’s will for my life. Over the last couple of years I’ve really come to appreciate how precious and short life is and I want to live mine in alignment with my highest calling. So I’m going to do my best to keep listening, to remain open to guidance as it comes, and to respond as nimbly as my stubborn nature allows. Likewise, I would encourage you to do the same. Be mindful of your heart’s yearnings. Notice when you feel as if you’re wandering in the desert, and when you notice, take some time to find stillness and become as quiet as possible. Because, in that quiet, you might just be able to hear that still, small voice and learn something that you’d previously overlooked.
If you ever need someone to talk to or are looking for a practice to help you through difficult times, please reach out. (Note that I do not recommend aimlessly pacing about… While it does pass the time, it is certainly not productive.)
Namaste.